Life in reverse

Do you ever think about how your younger years would be different if you knew then what you know now? 

I spent so much of my high school years full of anxiety about what others would think of me and trying not to cause too much of a ruckus. Looking back, I wish I gave less fucks. Those people whose opinions mattered so much back then are completely irrelevant to my life now.

I was the girl who got top grades, was pretty enough, didn't do drugs, didn't hook up with boys, but I drank occasionally at parties. I was sort of mid-tier. I didn't belong to any one clique, but I had friends across a variety of groups. I was definitely not "popular", but I wasn't a "loser" either.

Anyways, one night at a party I had a few drinks and got chatting with one of the popular guys (who also happened to be wealthy which wasn't why he was popular, but wealth and popularity tend to go hand-in-hand don't they?). So here we are chatting by a fire, and he leans in and kisses me. I would have normally pushed him back but I was little starstruck, if you will, that a guy of this "caliber" would be into me. As I recall, we ended up inside the main house having one hell of a makeout session. It was all PG13 - clothes stayed on and what not, but it was still quite out of character for me. I was a little proud of myself for letting loose a bit, you know? Go me.

Until Monday at school, when apparently word got out as it does in high school. I was definitely embarrassed as I am a private person and that was a private moment. It wasn't a big deal really - just a makeout. Sewing class was first that morning, and as I was cutting some fabric I overheard a girl say, "There goes, X, the slut". Not just any girl, one of my first friends in elementary school. Yes, we drifted apart since but we had absolutely no issues with each other. I've heard that word thrown around a lot in school, but to experience it being said about you is... something else entirely. The one time I decide to let go just a tiny bit. I still remember that moment. It was as though the reputation of me being the "ideal student" for years was suddenly replaced with me being a slut. It was mutually exclusive. You're either a good girl or a slut, aren't you?

Sometimes I wonder if I would have felt different or handled it differently knowing then that most of these people won't matter to me in a few years. I wish I could have simply enjoyed an experience which caused absolutely no harm to anyone else and was, frankly, no one's business but mine.

Kids can be such assholes.